Posts Tagged ‘moustache


The French Connection


Dear reader, in these uncertain times it does seem that very few individuals have the perspicacity to stamp their mark on the hallowed pages of history. Let me take you on a journey beyond the chalk cliffs of this island.

May I introduce you to Herr Franz ‘thirsty’ Reichel. For Reichel had a vision. He believed that he could be the first airborne tailor in history. He was fresh from his recent success at the Paris Exhibition of 1910 – where he became the first man in history to ejaculate across the English Channel. Reichel was drunk on his own success, and determined to capitalise upon this adventure, by producing the first suit with aeronautical aspirations. Reichel spent the next year perfecting his design. Equipped with his double-ended candles, needle, thread and the finest tweed; he worked long into the cold Gallic nights. After months of trial and improvement he was eventually ready to show to the world that there was more to him than his monstrously large testicles.

Come the day, cometh the man. So it was that on a cold February morning in 1912, Reichel ascended the Eiffel Tower. As he reached the summit he unfurled his contraption to an astonished gathering of selected dignitaries. It transpires, from recently disclosed documents, that Herr Reichel promised that the first test would be using a mannequin. This was not to be. Our moustachioed hero’s design of an overcoat with encased parachute was designed for the wearer to gently descend to the ground. We can only speculate at the exact thoughts that may have crossed his mind as he stood there as the historian dipped his quill into the inky depths of history. Posterity, unfortunately, had other plans for young Herr Reichel.

As you can see from the video clip, he seems to have a moment of self-doubt as he stands upon the lips of the precipice. He is said to have died of fright before hitting the ground. Who can tell? Although, French authorities seemed keen to measure the size of the crater that he left, there is no record of the purpose to which this data was put to. His ejaculatory record remains unbroken to this day.


Operation Spearhead Assault

     Dear reader, I was astonished at the announcement today that the V.A.T. rate is henceforth to be determined by the spinning of a roulette wheel. Of course, the original value added tax was introduced in 1532, as you well know.

     It was originally introduced to fund the 25 year Bowler hat war with France. Although originally it was merely funded as a value added tax on facial hair, after the moustache riots of 1602, it was extended to cover a range of services. The moustache or beard are no longer used to contribute to the nations coffers (sideburns, curiously are still liable to a 21.5% rate.)

exempt from VAT

exempt from VAT

     Part of the new “sliding scale” charges will be used to fund the extension of swineflu into Europe. As a world leader in the hosting, marketing and spreading of swineflu, Britain is intending to be the first to spread the porcine menace to our partners in the E.U. Only the other day, a party of pupils from Pimlico Middle School were sent to Burgundy, as part of the spearhead assault to the boundary of France. Luck, however was not with us. The party was discovered, and sent packing. According to sources close to the infected party, they were told to “return to your disease-ridden country.” Not to be deterred a party of children are to be parachuted behind enemy lines. We will ensure that we are the best prepared country to spread the swineflu across Europe and to the rest of the commonwealth. Typhoid Mary was unavailable for comment.

Thwarted again - yet we shall prevail

Thwarted again - yet we shall prevail

Don’t you know what day it is?

April 2018
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