Posts Tagged ‘for whom the bell tolls

02
Feb
10

For Whom the bell tolls

     I am typing these words from the discomfort of my commode. As again, dear reader, you are ahead of me…as you would have to be. Yes, I have entered the 20th Century (albeit as most have already left it – still, there’s plenty of legroom.) and purchased a mobile communicator.

 

     Ah that’s better – I’m back on the main machine now. I was persuaded to purchase my communicator, as I have recently calculated that the average number of rings on the trusty AlexanderG is six. This takes one second less than the time for Grimblethorpe (my wrinkled retainer) takes to pace down the corridor and elevate the handset. As such, I can ensure that I am in immediate communication for the illumination my public. Although, I do have my reservations. The keyboard seems to have only ten tiny keys. It seems to be primarily designed for a small child with desire to be back with his Activity Centre. You would have thought the overpaid designer could have slapped a proper keyboard on the thing. No fear, dear reader, with a brief consultation with Dr. Brunel, I have managed to fashion a punch card-reading mechanism in place of the keys. Of course, this was no mean feat. The miniaturisation of the 19th Century technology down to the size of the communicator.  Much more straightforward, I’m sure you’ll agree. This has the added advantage that I have a business card ready for each of my contacts. However, if you do wish to use the text facility then you will have to utilise my pack of playing cards that I have encrypted with 52 common English verbs, nouns and prepositions. Rather than being an extra burden, it nicely balances the bulge in your waistcoat.

     To be honest, I do see some use to the textpusher. It nicely allows you to determine valuable information from an associate without all that tedious mucking about with the time wasting pastime that is mockingly referred to as the art of conversation. By my calculation this suggests that I will reduce my hourglass turning with Dr. Brunel to the extent that I will pretty soon be able to open my own Bakery. I have already noticed that he gets quite steamed up if you text your reply as “Pardon?” Ho Ho.

     What exactly the point of the ‘Camera feature’ is I am not sure (this sentence is sponsored by the Rhetoric Society of America.)  I am sure that it appeals to any connoisseur of the photographic ‘shot through a dirty sock’ movement that was so fashionable in Notting Hill in the 1870s. I believe the mechanism is based upon the Camera Obscura – so you really need some strong light to produce a decent image. A strange accessory that seems slightly pointless is the incorporation of what is referred to in the manual as an MP3 player (Miniature Platter III actually.) . Included are two tiny vinyl discs. The choice seems a little curious. I have tried playing Laurel & Hardy’s perennial favourite On The Trail of the Lonesome Pine and Rabbit by Chas & Dave. The number by the former Combo must, I admit, has some merit if you listen between the scratches. The second duo were excruciating despite some quite well-balanced production. As a point of note, I noticed that if the communicator moved by a thousandth of an inch the needle would fly away from the disc. Definitely one for the Must Try Harder file. I will look forward to reviewing the MP4 technology in due course.

     Well, that is it for news of my latest look into groundbreaking technology. A small vibration in my pocket calls me away.




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