The French Connection


Dear reader, in these uncertain times it does seem that very few individuals have the perspicacity to stamp their mark on the hallowed pages of history. Let me take you on a journey beyond the chalk cliffs of this island.

May I introduce you to Herr Franz ‘thirsty’ Reichel. For Reichel had a vision. He believed that he could be the first airborne tailor in history. He was fresh from his recent success at the Paris Exhibition of 1910 – where he became the first man in history to ejaculate across the English Channel. Reichel was drunk on his own success, and determined to capitalise upon this adventure, by producing the first suit with aeronautical aspirations. Reichel spent the next year perfecting his design. Equipped with his double-ended candles, needle, thread and the finest tweed; he worked long into the cold Gallic nights. After months of trial and improvement he was eventually ready to show to the world that there was more to him than his monstrously large testicles.

Come the day, cometh the man. So it was that on a cold February morning in 1912, Reichel ascended the Eiffel Tower. As he reached the summit he unfurled his contraption to an astonished gathering of selected dignitaries. It transpires, from recently disclosed documents, that Herr Reichel promised that the first test would be using a mannequin. This was not to be. Our moustachioed hero’s design of an overcoat with encased parachute was designed for the wearer to gently descend to the ground. We can only speculate at the exact thoughts that may have crossed his mind as he stood there as the historian dipped his quill into the inky depths of history. Posterity, unfortunately, had other plans for young Herr Reichel.

As you can see from the video clip, he seems to have a moment of self-doubt as he stands upon the lips of the precipice. He is said to have died of fright before hitting the ground. Who can tell? Although, French authorities seemed keen to measure the size of the crater that he left, there is no record of the purpose to which this data was put to. His ejaculatory record remains unbroken to this day.


2 Responses to “The French Connection”

  1. December 8, 2009 at 4:10 am

    Mon Dieu!

    I’m still living in the 1780s, so this is all pretty state of the art stuff for me. What a way to go! Now that’s worth a round of Pernods…

    Having designed the overcoat, one has to wonder when he thought the need for its use would arise. “You may sit inside of the plane Herr Reichel” must have been a common remark made to the young scamp. That could have been the catalyst – “Oh do I have to indeed?” must have been the line he thought he’d savour at a future date. Alas, he was never to utter those words.

    • 2 dandymills
      December 8, 2009 at 10:32 am

      The 1780s? Hmmm. I wonder if it is indeed you who will be destined to take the very footage they I unearthed under a pile of Clive Sinclair’s dirty videos. Alas the only time-machine I posess is an hourglass. However, I take your point, one can incorporate items together needlessly. I myself own a Fountain Pen that doubles up as Laser. I have used it to write my name on the moon (just below Mare Frigoris) I have carried out extensive research, and have not yet found any record of any human being to have left a deeper crater. Another Record breaker Norris.

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