Be prepared, be very prepared

What is Unitab?

     Unitab is a genetically engineered vaccine for le Plage Porcine. It prevents the virus from spreading. It is produced by the Raccoon Corporation. There are definitely no links with the Raccoon Corporation & Minister of Disease, Andy Burnham. That is just an ugly rumour spread by the less savoury parts of the Media.

How do you take it?

     Unitab is taken rectally, via a unique Unitab applicator, manufactured by the Raccoon Corporation. It is suitable for anyone over the age of 6. MiniUniTab is suitable for anyone under the age of 6. This is to be dispensed via earplug applicator.

Is there a Time Window?

     Unfortunately Time Windows have not yet been invented. There was a Time Teapot, developed during World War II, for express tea production. British Boffins are as you read this, intent on developing a Time Window. It is intended that Project Timelord should allow a select number of British subjects, selected by the National Lottery to slip forward into the year 2013; thus, avoiding the main effect of le Plage Porcine. The tickets are tipped to be on the pricey side.

Is Britain Prepared?

      Yes, it is. Thanks for asking. Britain is actually the best prepared country in the world. Again, the UK is at the cutting edge of forward planning and statistically analysis. We have the highest stocks of Unitab, and Unitab Rectal Applicators. While other countries practice old fashioned techniques such as quarantine, border control, and random monitoring at airports, we have a full projection of the expected extent of the outbreak. Plans are in place to repopulate the country as of 2012, when the infection is expected to tail off. Unitab supplies are expected to arrive in 2010, unless the manufacturing countries Uzbekistan feel they need to use some.

everything is under control

everything is under control

How do I know if I have contracted SwineFlu?  

     If you are suffering any of the following conditions then you may have SwineFlu. Coughing; sneezing; tiredness; lustfulness; idleness; thoughts of revenge; a severe pounding headache; itching of the elbow; a slight unexplainable feeling that you were a clown in the Moscow State Circus in a previous life; a desire to eat copious amounts of apples; keep banging your head on the kitchen cupboard door; keep asking if you partner takes sugar in her coffee, even though you have been married for 23.5 years; spend a large proportion of your waking hours listening to 2 seconds of every track of your iPod and leaving comments on stranger’s blogs. In this case, you are in desperate need of UniTab.

Where do I receive my Unitab?

     If you think that you have contracted le Plage Porcine, then on no accounts must you travel to work; use any form of public transport; go for a haircut or visit a local food emporium. All food supplies will need to be ordered by NHSdirectRation at http://NHSdirect/rationsconnect/infected/login? Your supplies will delivered by soldiers wearing protective clothes, and decontamination equipment. No charge will be made. The entire cost will be deducted from the inevitable shortfall in your pension entitlement. On no account must you visit your GP. Doctors take an awful long time to train, and are highly skilled practitioners. On no account should you risk your GP with a possible SwineFlu infection.   On no account must you visit your local A&E department, as you will be isolated and imprisoned by arms guards in various gamma-security installations for your own safety. Your UniTab capsules will be dispensed as soon as they are available. Buy a lottery ticket.


7 Responses to “Be prepared, be very prepared”

  1. July 31, 2009 at 3:08 am

    I love unitab. I love its shape, its colour and its mass. Personally, I can’t get enough of it. Not only have I avoided getting the flu, I have ceased to fear any involvement with almost anything. I crave more often, and its usually for more varieties of coffee. However, I have never considered paying for almost anything. This has made me very dizzy. My aunt has been ill of late – thank you for the maps (a message from Toby’s uncle).

    I believe that most of the information I have at the moment is wrong. Please accept there will be delays, I cannot be more specific.

    Dr. T

    • 2 dandymills
      August 1, 2009 at 2:10 pm

      I find it frankly unprofessional. Doctor (if indeed you are a real Doctor) that you are wolfing down your stockpiles of Unitab. On a lighter note, I notice that you are not taking them rectally. As you should know, oral ingestion of Unitab makes you madder than a pair of trousers full of balloons. Soon your head will expand to the size of Oxford Circus c.1582 and your feet will fall off. I have sent a copy of your comment to the Royal College of Physicians. Damn and curse you Sir.

  2. August 1, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    I will look forward to an early consideration from the Royal College, as I respect their objective opinions. I had considered taking the Unitab rectally, so I suppose that was a fortunate change of heart. Although, yesterday I did take my entire lunch rectally. I am not a well man.

    I have eaten most of what I own, and have arranged all the pebbles in my garden in order of size. I can’t quite make out where I am typing this comment from. I see trees out of the window, but there are no landmarks to give any clue. There seem to be an awful lot of rabbits running around, so I might be at my aunt’s house. Does Unitab make you see large sparrows? If not, then the sparrows are very large here. This is all rather troublesome. Write to me when you are able to, as I enjoy the vivid insights.

    Dr Trousers and Claire

  3. August 4, 2009 at 2:52 am

    Dear Madam

    I have eaten a wasp. Will I be OK?

    I want more Unitab, but do not know where to obtain future supplies from. I have tried that NHS Direct website, but it is simply full of words. I was hoping for audio instructions or perhaps a helpful mime. Would it be possible to involve Noel Edmonds at some juncture? I find his general approach to be both helpful and informative in equal measures.

    Dr Trousers

    • 5 dandymills
      August 7, 2009 at 4:03 pm

      I find your mode of communication strange. Would I be correct in surmising that Claire is in charge of the vowels while you are master of constanants? As regards the talents of Mr. Edmonds – I think that a deal has not been done. As regards the copious quantities of UniTab that you require – check out http://www.nhs-indirect.co.ck. I think they should be able to post you the rattling quantities that you are getting through.
      P.S. I hope Claire is not confusing UniTab with ViagraTab. They have different effects. On no account operate heavy machinery or attempt to build a replica of Marilyn Monroe our of spent matchsticks after you take your gargle.

  4. August 7, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Dear Kettle

    Thank you for the food we eat. Thank you for the birds that sing.

    Since the “sparrows” event in my Aunt’s garden, Claire has been assigned to monitor my progress. She has become more of a companion, than a nurse. But she still insists I wear the muzzle between meals. I have been given some safety crayons, so there is some progress going on. I began taking UniTab because I liked the name.

    Claire informs me that I must thank you for the hamper you sent over. So, thank you.

  5. 7 dandymills
    August 11, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    The hamper was sent to hamper your condition (obviously.) Claire is (i believe) actually a Dr. Brunel designed automaton. Whatever you do, refrain from eating the peas. I implore you, the peas contain martian clanging explodopedes.

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