Aries (20th March – 20th April)
Tension is in the air. If you are an international pilot, then beware of midair collisions. Lucky numbers are 747 and 12.34.
Love is in the air, if you have a brown door and forgot to put the wheelie bin out again.
Taurus (April 20th – May 21st)
Teapots play a large role in your life at the moment. If you have green eyes, blue hair and get about on stilts, you are a typical Taurean. Danger lurks around every corner today. Take my advice Stay in.
Gemini (20thMay – 21st June)
A typical Gemini trait is that you have an identical doppleganger. Always travel with a witness to make sure your evil twin’s not trying to put you in the shit, mate. Lucky hat: a straw boater. Where it to bed, and luck will visit your door.
Cancer (20th June – 21st July)
Be friendly to strangers wearing a red rose. You never know. You seem to be weighed down with paperwork today. Don’t let these things worry you. Throw a party, but don’t forget to let somebody else know about it. Luck hairstyle: perm.
Leo (July 20th – August 21st)
Sorry to hear that all Leos were wiped out in the accident at the weekend.
Virgo (August 21th – September 32nd)
You have been through a lot of stress recently. What with Aunt Maise, and that problem with Uncle Stan’s genital warts. Things are starting to look up on the financial front, however a close family member will be struck by a meteorite later in the week. Luck stone: granite.
Libra (10th green bottle – 5th gold ring)
Time to get on that diet fatboy. You disgust me. Get some exercise whaleboy. And that shelf still needs putting back up. What a waste of space you are. Luck Organ: Pancreas. Wait till I get hold of you.
Marxist_leninists*(5th gold ring – 10,000th lucky customer)
Yes, brothers. Marxists have made great new strides into the zodiac this year. Don’t forget you have nothing to lose but your lucky numbers. Luck will soon be back in the hands of the people. Distribution, Production & Manufacture of probability will be ours. Love visits a blue door.
dandymills
Steampunk Diaries 
I was most intrigued to find a horoscope on your weblog, or should I say horrorscope? Alas poor Leos, I knew them well. You seem to have it in for the poor Librans. Any Librans in particular? However, I thought Vladimir looked remarkably perky, all things considered. Nice man.