18
Jun
09

Views from the Hedge

Welcome to views from the hedge.

The purpose of this site is to record, and yes, in a sense formalise the events and musing that pass me by as I ponder my hedge.

here it is!

here it is!

     Funnily enough, I rarely ever use exclamation marks. I only have 52 left in the box and it does seem such a shame to waste them. I treat them like fine cuban cigars, I suppose. Who would smoke three in a row outrageous!!! Oops.

     On the subject of punctuation marks, I recall reading in a local rag of Birmingham Council’s decision to eradicate the use of the humble apostrophe (poor little blighters). I suppose their attitude is akin to we can’t be doing with these new-fapngled squiggly marks. We’ve done perfectly well without them for years. Oh deary me. However, budgets could be slashed – just consider the amount of paint that could be saved during a fiscal year. Doomed are the poor lowly apprentice signwriters of Brumdom; hours and hours must be spent every day perfecting that fiddly little twist, carefully crafted and embroidered with hand sculpted 2000 carat gold. Hey, what the hell, I say. Not LESS apostrophes but more p’ut hundr”eds of the little swines everywhere. let them eat theie pi’es. Who cares? Yes, signwriters of the world unite: gird thy loins and multiply in abundance. Let the apostrophe rule! Rise up, for you have nothing to lose but your grammatical rules (I think K’a’rl M’rx said that.)  What next get rid of @ why don’tcha: it takes longer to draw that to write “at” what the hell is that about. And anyway, why is there no symbol for “wubbleyouwubbleyouwubbleyou” sounds ridiculous. Next stop get rid of full stops. Hey, why should sentences end: that’s not very productive. It sets such a poor example to the other punctuation marks. Next thing you know ? will stop pondering the meaning of things ! will become rather blase about the whole thing , will disappear any we won’t know when to breath & will crash the Wagon into the horses. Gor blimey. Anyway, if the period dissappears the hot .com bubble will collapse. Oh! my god : it did – we’re onto to something here! That was it: The inscrutible chinese are pinching are apostrophes – perhaps in collusion with the council. Keeping all the dots for themselves. But I see through their cunniong plan. No Websites! No more email. Hell you won’t even be able to read a letter.

An exclamation mark, yesterday.

An exclamation mark, yesterday.

     I related my musing to an ex-colleague of mine, Grant. S. Reeve. I was puzzled by his response. The poor man immediately became pale, made hurried excuses about some urgent business he had to attend to, and disappeared off behind the hedge.

     It was only later that I discovered the grim reason for his strange actions. Apparently a distant relation, one Theopold Reeve III had invented and copyrighted the exclamation mark in 1536. Ever since then the Reeve ancenstors have had access to a huge annual income, thanks to a young master Caxton. He is now in mortal fear of the exclamation mark being eliminated. As he relates the family story, though it may be apocryphal, was that as a young man Theopold despised question marks and came into the habit of straightening them out with a hammer and anvil. Unfortunately, he became the butt of jokes in the village as humouring him, they refused to answer any of his questions.

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